Life’s Too Short for Bad Sex; Embrace The Awkward

OMG I am so bad at this regularity thing! It’s been some time. Let’s get right into it shall we?

Life is way too short for bad sex. I’m not talking about the inevitably shitty first time with a new partner and you’re just mashing buttons Mortal-Kombat-ca-1999-style because nobody knows any combos (back-back-A was my go-to)….I mean consistently….wack….sex. We get one trip on this EarthRock…anything less than magical is trash.

Seems like a no-brainer but I still feel like so many of us are uncomfortable talking about sex with the appropriate parties…..i.e. our sexual partner. To be completely honest, kissing and telling is a thing. Friends DO share a few crib notes with one another and they will also dish when they have a bad experience. 

This is the Bad is Stronger than Good Phenomenon. Unfortunately a person is far more likely to vent about how their mate sucked on their belly button for an hour before giving them the most lackluster 3 minutes of their lives than they are to gush about satisfactory or even outstanding coitus.

These roundtable discussions with third parties aren’t helping you get off. They are also disparaging and in quite poor taste….so stop. Depending on how tight your circle is, it’s possible that the person you’re trashing will be making a cameo in front of your recent audience. “Yea this is Two-Pump Tommy/ Nancy BUSH that I’ve been bitching to you all about”…….How old are we? If your partner isn’t doing what you’d like them to do, tell THEM. Conversely if they’re doing something you enjoy, communicate that too….People love positive reinforcement!

I’ll go as far as gearing this message EXCLUSIVELY towards women. When is a sexual encounter over? Aside from a whiskey-sponsored roll in the hay, when is the last time you and your man stopped before he finished…..Hard pressed for an answer? Well that’s because somewhere, somehow, possibly in the beginning of time, some ass-hat determined that male climax marks the curtain call….or like maybe it has something to do with procreation or whatever. But it’s 2017, Ladies, let’s be in it for an orgasm. You wouldn’t go grocery shopping and come back without groceries would you? Keep your eye on the prize….We’re not here to get panted over, sweated on, encouraged to climb on top, then asked insincerely “did you finish?”

….Which brings me to my next point. STOP faking your fucking orgasms. Faking an orgasm is the equivalent of a Good Sportsmanship Award. Giving dap to dudes just for showing up….You’re giving accolades to some goober that couldn’t find a clitoris if it was doused in protein powder….the most devastating part is that you’re probably releasing these clowns back into the wild after a few months for another unsuspecting woman to add to her body count pointlessly….uggghh for shame….well…..unless you plan on becoming Wifey and taking them out of the mix, in which case….carry on.

Sorry….that escalated quickly….but look….I know this stuff can be super awkward to approach. Sexuality and sex are incredibly personal/ intimate but they are also damn important and integral to any romantic relationship. One is a great indicator of how things are going and the other a facet of our identity….essentially who are you and what makes you feel good? So although they can be challenging to talk about, it’s necessary. 

My ex’s Dad was a divorce lawyer, one of the most valuable things he bestowed upon me (aside from a sweater he gave me at Christmas that I’ve since cut into quadrants to make Swiffer wipes when I run out)… that couples really only ever split over two things…. Sex and Money. Money…ok… but the sex part is mind-boggling. Imagine how many marriages could have been saved if someone asked “So are you into butt stuff or nah?” on any random morning over avocado toast.

Your time and intimacy are important….have the conversations….be open, be honest, be satisfied, be happy.