I am CERTAINLY no relationship expert but I sure as shit know how to read people. I’ve been an undercover “observer” for as long as I can remember. I see patterns, trends, do a ton of foreshadowing and I’m pretty fucking good at it. If I had more discipline I could probably make a pretty rad economist…..but enough about me……let’s get down to business….Are you dating a fuckboy or are you yourself one?!
What is a fuckboy? bretb via urban dictionary nailed it:
A weak ass pussy who ain’t about shit
Let me flesh out this definition. You’ve met these weaklings, shit you might even be one! They’re not all walking around in OBEY crew necks, tight jeans, donning oversized cubic zirconia studs like their flagrant reputation suggests….most of them are undercover. Seemingly “nice guys” that were sent by some evil super power to waste your fucking time. In the dating game I like to think of them as puttys (Power Ranger fans know). You’re out enjoying your day and some clown appears outta thin air….you might have to suit up and shut that shit down.
Guys don’t feel attacked here, girls can be fuckboys too. You know….that girl that’s been sliding in your DM’s a little after midnight apologizing for curving you all week. You assume she’s single but that’s kind of unclear based on the passive aggressive memes she’s constantly posting on social media. She’s an avid FashionNova shopper, has high cheek bones, a nice ass, and frequents South Beach. Who knows how she can afford it. You don’t know what she does for a living and she has never as much as offered to cover the tip on any of your dinner dates ….but she might have “covered your tip” a time or two during her sporadic quarrels with her douchebag “ex”.
No matter who they are, there are common threads among them
1.When you start dating they use terms like “seeing where things go/ seeing what happens.”
When you hear this you might as well pack your shit up then and there. These terms are ominous and hallmark terms of fuckery. What do you mean see what happens? “Seeing what happens” is what you do between unprotected coitus and your next period…seeing what happens is leaving things to chance in a situation where you have no control over the events to follow.
Anyone that has been in a successful and functional relationship knows that at some point they are WORK. Additionally relationships are INTENDED….they don’t just happen. So if you’re waiting for the chips to fall into the form of a match made in heaven…you’ll die waiting.
2. Illusory Indecision
That’s right kids, ILLUSORY. If your “partner” seems to chronically ride fences…it’s you that’s confused, not them. Fuckboys know that if they level up and tell you that they’re not into anything heavy….you’ll bail. So instead of being dead up they’ll appear confused and emotionally fragile. Relax, these kids are built Ford tough. Judging by your gel manicure seems like you couldn’t roll on a spare tire if you tried….you’re incapable of and are not here to fix anything or anybody.
This portion in particular I’ll direct towards the women, because, well I don’t think that we make the same shot-gun assessment as men (which is why we routinely wallow in messy ass situations)
One of my male friends shared a gemmmmmstone with me a while back. I’ve used it to make (or not make) judgements ever since…..A guy has a general idea of what you two are and are going to be VERY SHORTLY AFTER MEETING YOU. Mind-blowing right?! How can you possibly make a decision like that so damn quickly?! Fuck if I know….but guys do it. So all that indecision jazz is smoke and mirrors.
Fuckboys and girls are the kings and queens of creating the illusion of indecision. In not openly expressing their intent, anything is possible for as long as you’ll hang around to guess. Their affinity for options will overshadow everything…..including your feelings. This is the shitty part….which is whyyyyyy it’s so important for you to recognize this from the gate and handle your shit accordingly.
Anyone that gives a fuck about you will take a paint roller to any gray area and make sure that you are both on the same page….remember that.
Along similar lines…..
3. They are Options Addicts
Hanging out is never a straightforward event. It’s a fucking cliffhanger…..you’re at the edge of your seat in suspense as the 11th hour draws nigh. Will they flake…..will they not?? Rolling the dice each time. You’ve almost got the text-to-likelihood-that-you’re-gonna-chill correlation down to a science. “I gotta see what’s up” = save your Summer’s Eve and don’t bother shaving because there’s a strong chance he’ll have to go “help his mom out with a situation”…..at 11pm…….or better yet it’s kinda late….she’s “gotta be up early for the gym”……you know this is horseshit since you’ve had to wake her out of a coma-like sleep on several Saturday AFTERNOONS to Uber her home.
4.Erratically Timed but Strangely Intense Conversation
LIKE OOOMMMG, do you feel like you can talk to him/her about everything?!?! Did you guys delve into those deep corners of the universe pretty early on?! I’m sure it feels outta this world when you and your special friend talk about the cosmos on the QUARTERLY basis that you speak but unfortunately this is another hallmark of the Fuckboys and Girls International Coalition. It’s easy to be that intense once in a blue but can you have conversations about mundane things without them checking out and seeking something/ someone more exhilarating? These folks are artists at juggling partners to satisfy the need for something new, exciting, and interesting. This infrequent contact is also beneficial to them, they’re “busy”…..entrenched in something captivating and cool…..like sending pictures of sweatpants boners/ass shots to other unsuspecting victims.
5. Your Friends Know He/She Ain’t Shit
I don’t know why I have to mention this one but so many of us ignore this red flag. You’ve spent your life growing this dope ass network of people that give a fuck about you…..to the point that you essentially don’t even have to make crucial decisions on your own….you have an advisory board….your relationship psyche’s own immune system.
These people might not LOVE the person you’re involved with and that is OK but they will show STAUNCH opposition to someone of fuckboy caliber. Does every conversation with your friends about this person feel like you’re on the witness stand getting grilled by the DA? Yea? Well it’s because they suck and you probably shouldn’t be fucking with them.
6. You Yourself are Unsure of What You’re Doing
This is the most important one.
Many of you are smart cookies; nurses, doctors, engineers, innovators. Some of you do things that I can’t even wrap my mind around; creating solutions to the world’s longstanding issues, game changers in your communities, educators in quantum physics…..but some loser is jerking you around with text messages written at a 5th grade level….and you’re letting him/her.
This can’t feel good. You feel torn, confused, at internal conflict….listen to all of that and be out! There is no greater truth than that within yourself. All of the confusion and anxiety is stemming from you trying to bridge the gap between reality and what you think should be happening…..stop. Shit will sync when it is meant.
All of this said, I can’t tell you how to live but I will encourage you to stay the fuck WOKE. I suppose in a casual realm Fuckboys might get the job done if that’s the wave you’re riding….but protect your heart…. be prudent, be savage when warranted, and most of all be happy ❤