Online Dating is the Pits


As I mentioned in a previous post, dating is fun. Even when it’s not fun…it’s fun. Let this be the first of several gems I will share with you in my (barely) romantic adventures:


“What’s with this opener?” you may ask….My Tinder profile states quite candidly that I’m aware that you’re probably fun-sized (short as shit). We’re probs not going to work out long term because of my affinity for wearing heels but let’s maybe hang out and I’ll let you pay for my tacos? So this height thing is one of the most prevalent fatal flaws that a guy popping up in the Tinder deck has. Among others:

  1. Chronic gym selfie taker (but somehow not in great shape)
  2. Doesn’t know the difference between you’re and your, uses terms like “anyways” and “might of” in place of “might have”
  3. Deadbeat father leveraging pics with his children to appear like “hardworking single dad”
  4. Couple that’s looking for a curious girl (featuring photos of said couple in which woman appears way less bout that life than man does)

Also, I know that I kinda set up that “Not just vertically,” joke but really? I know we’re dying to break the ice with innuendo but you don’t always have to grab the low-hanging fruit. Horizontally endowed could mean a lot…ascites, goiter, ample visceral fat

….I digress


What in fucking tarnation?!?! I can’t knock the hustle but if I was to share this discourse without screenshots people would think I was bullshitting. This is our world. No one is held to being a tactful human being…no fluffy intros, no macking…..It’s “Hi….how are you doing…..can I fingerblast your armpits?”

Ughh….FOH, Boss. Nothing further…..