Being a woman is no small feat. Between the primping, the plumbing, and being a kickass female who affirms her grace and social merit without seeming butt hurt about everything there is so much for us to manage.

Out of the many woes of being a female I really do feel like the GYN visit is probably one of the areas that leaves a ton to be desired. It’s 2017, let’s warm the jelly and speculums and make us feel like we’re at a day spa… of my recent social media posts explains in better detail:

Hey, Feminists. I know you’ve got your handbags super full right now with the inauguration of our prudent p*ssy grabbing prez right around the corner but if you get around to it can you chicks assemble a task force to revamp the whole GYN visit ordeal?
We have machines that go to the moon but we somehow can’t figure out how to make these office visits more desirable than laying ass naked in snow.

My modest suggestions:

Yes, we get it OB….GYN you do both…but for those of us that see these specialists, can we separate waiting rooms for expecting moms and women that are just stopping in for an oil change? Parents Magazine has stellar skin care tips and I will rip through a Highlights word-find with the best of them. That said I’d rather not wait in awkward silence contemplating the tickage of my biological clock next to a John&Kate Plus 8. If one of your quintuplets crawls into my bag I’m not driving back to return him and I’m charging you postage. (No shade…)

Those crunchy paper oversized napkin/drapes…I know a cloth version probably isn’t cost efficient or feasible but they legit don’t cover anything. By the time they crawl underneath it and use it as a hoodie it’s on the floor or misplaced…damn near useless. Let me bring my own blanket. If the purpose is privacy, you’re missing the mark. “My doctor is basically going to look through me all the way up to my aorta, but please cover my belly button and shins,” said no woman ever.

“Do you want to be checked for everything?” Can I see the list? How about just everything that starts with a vowel? Like wtf does this question mean? Can we 86 this option? How about we just force us all to be adults…run everything and if the results are grim mail me one of those giant yellow posters they put on restaurants when they’ve been shut down by the Department of Health.

Lastly and most importantly I need to know ….are we putting the jelly in the freezer? Is this where it’s being stored? Is there a clinical rationale for why a speculum needs to be 5 below for use?? Women’s health professionals feel free to chime in. There simply must be an alternative.

So yea….Lady Warriors I know the agenda is probably loaded but let’s try to work this out in 2017….we can look at fair and equal pay immediately afterwards.

(FB: Joe DiMaggio circa December 2016….maybe)