No one Cared Who I was until I put on… The Mask

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Ok, so today I indulged in a “treat yo self” Sunday. One of my stops was Ulta.

I really dig this store but essentially it’s a Sephora 2.0. I putzed around a bit after unsuccessfully looking for the perfect matte lippie then decided I wanted to re-up on a charcoal mask that a friend had gotten me last year. Any woman that has social media has probably been bombarded by a grotesque video of the use of one of these black charcoal masks in which a peel-off skin treatment pulls all sorts of strange creatures out of some random dermis. It’s usually shot in close-up style to effectively address the human inclination to witness uber gross shit (eeeeeek!)

I’ve used these masks before. They are no way as effective as the ads suggest for skin purification/ blackhead removal/pore minimization, but for some reason they are super fun to take off. You remember when you were in kindergarten and you covered your hands in Elmer’s glue and let it dry….. then were afforded the ability to peel off this almost reptilian layer of faux skin? This is that…for adults. It also removes fine hairs so be careful if you’ve got sparse brows.

I digress. So I go towards the back of the store looking for this Boscia product and am greeted by this “aesthetician”.  She asked if she could help me find something, I tell her I’m on the hunt for the black crack. Huge mistake. This lady goes on a tirade about how bad these charcoals masks are for your skin. How many layers of skin they take away and bah bah bah bah bah….. I’m not doubting her but she’s blowing my post- brunch buzz and overloading me with way more information about clay and algae than I could really ever give a fuck about. I started spacing out then realized that my girlfriend has long since finished her transaction with the cashier.

I finally come to and make eye contact with this woman that has been talking my head off for the past 5 minutes and I am astonished. She….an aesthetician, Ulta’s representation of all things having to do with EFFECTIVE skin care….is Frankie Coffee Cake. Cut it out, Lady. If I want to purchase a product that has the potential to tear my soul from my skeleton, I am certainly not going to be deterred by YOU.

Let me live my life.