Uber Cesspool

It’s been about a week since my last blog post. Considering I have a habit of abandoning activities out of boredom, it’s kind of dope that I’m back here within a few days….

So there’s a reason that I rushed to my computer after a 12 hour shift to gush to you about an experience I had. That’s kind of how this is going to work. I’ll see, feel, hear, lift, dream of or cook something, get an itch to jot it down, do so in a mess of word soup, then disappear for an undetermined period of time then maybe resurface?

Ok here we go…..I get off work at an odd hour. Sometimes I’ll roll the dice and walk home, but many times I’ll get bourgeois and rock an Uber. I recently discovered a way to be quasi-bourgeois, select rideshare at off hours and ultimately end up getting to my destination free of any co-passengers…but this is luck of the draw. Tonight was super cold so prancing across town wasn’t in the cards. I have this oversized jacket with an obnoxious fur hood that basically destroys my peripheral vision….this plus the fact that I’m cruising around on a contact prescription from Obama’s first term. If anyone tries to kidnap me I’m beat.

I digress. So tonight I get stuck with not one but two other passengers.I call my driver to let her know my exact location. I see her in the distance with her hazards on. She says she’ll be right there, she just needs to throw a few things in the trunk……But why though? What are you putting in your trunk? You’re not coming to pick up your girlfriend to go to the club. You left your house with the sole purpose of driving people around…That’s your gig at this moment. Why is it now when you’re outside of my job you find this a good time to put your baby seat, flat iron, and tissue boxes in your trunk? Really excited that you’re advertising to my coworkers that I’m hitting the road with the Ringling Brothers…Hot Mess Express. I let it slide, I have no choice. I’m exhausted and just want to get home.

She pulls up and is SUPER friendly, greets me with a big smile. Makes it kind of hard to be a dick…but not impossible. I respond with a terse “Hey”. Being that I’m the third passenger I’m riding shottie. There are two riders in the back, a guy and a girl, both around my age. They both look not-trying-to-answer-how-are-you-ish so I vibe off that, shoot a nod their way and keep it moving. I look down and there’s a white towel on my seat. As a reflex I attempt to scootch it out of my way. I shit you not, her sweet chipper semblance turned ice fucking cold as she says “Leave it, it’s good.”

So many thoughts running through my mind at this point like….what in the actual fuck? What is under this towel? Am I about to risk it all and get blackballed from Uber for checking this lady? It’s good….what does that mean…this is not good…this is all bad? So the rational adult in me calms down, sits towards the edge of the seat, and says “Jo, you can suck it up for this fairly short ride just burn all your clothes.”

I look over and the driver has her phone in hand. I don’t know if you folks think this way….actually I’m confident that you don’t because I tend to be extreme…. but I feel like this phone-in-hand move kind of tips you off that your driver might have a couple charges under their belt. I may sound nuts, but in your travels, pay attention. Organized, professional Uber drivers FOR THE MOST PART have some sort of stand or fixation device that attaches their phone or GPS to the dash. Reckless ass individuals with misdemeanors have their phone in hand, toggling back and forth from Facebook, answering texts, pretty much flagrantly endangering the lives of strangers the entire ride. “Ugggghh, the app is like….freezing, it’s not working,” meanwhile she’s flying down this fairly quiet street. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with your GPS, Miss. Try exiting out of one of the 20 apps you have open. I don’t think most phones are equipped for you to play Candy Crush, text Bae, and do your taxes all at once. She loudly slurps an almost finished Fanta…..where can you still buy a Fanta ?

We breeze down a few more blocks and thankfully it looks like we’re heading in the direction of my place. My seat starts to feel warm. I’m looking around and this vehicle doesn’t seem like a model that would have seat warming technology. Then I remember, that sketchy towel I sat on. At this point I’m skeethed all the way out. My toes are balled up at the edge of my sneakers and I’m ready to dive out of this joke on wheels. We’re on a main road now but approaching my cross-street…issue is…there are no turns permitted on this road. I’m tired, annoyed, and worried as shit about this firewater under my ass…then it happened. The SUPER clutch illegal left turn that made my night. At this point she can’t see who belongs to what destination. She asks who’s at “XYZ Street.” “That’s ME!” I basically shout out of sheer excitement and eagerness to get the fuck out of there.”This is me. This is my address, left or right side is good. Yup, this is good.”I’m like singing at this point.

“This is BULLSHIT,”exclaims the male passenger in the back. This guy was BEYOND butthurt that I was last in first out!! I’m kind of dying laughing on the inside…didn’t you read the manual, disclaimer, rules…regulations? Don’t you know this Uber Pool app doesn’t give a damn about fairness? Save your monologue for Amnesty International. You’ll be home in time to crush at least 10 hours of World of Warcraft before you need to be back at work.

The Uber Pool app lists the other passengers in the vehicle once your request has been submitted. At first I thought this was a heinous privacy breach but tonight I appreciate it. Wherever you are, Xiomara I hope you made it home safely…Eric if you are reading this…..suckkkkkkit ❤